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Because I write a lot of serious posts, I thought I’d break with formality for a little while and lighten things up a bit with one of my own “Aggressive Devotions,” in a similar style to the ever-entertaining Myths Retold! series.

Atum, totally not jerking off.

Atum, totally not jerking off.

SO THIS ONE TIME ATUM CAME INTO BEING OUT OF NOWHERE FOR LIKE NO REASON. AND THERE WASN’T ANYTHING OTHER THAN ATUM. THIS BUMMED HIM IMMENSELY, AND HANGING OUT WITH THE PRIMAEVAL OCEAN WASN’T MUCH FUN AT ALL.

ATUM WAS FEELING LONELY AND BORED. THIS LONELINESS AND BOREDOM GAVE RISE TO THE FIRST-EVER BONER, AND ATUM WAS LIKE “WELL HEY THERE PENIS I DIDN’T KNOW I HAD” AND STARTED MAKING SWEET, SWEET LOVE TO HIMSELF. BECAUSE SELF-LOVE IS IMPORTANT, YO. PASSES THE TIME AND BUILDS CONFIDENCE.

INDEED, HIS HAND REALLY WAS HIS GIRLFRIEND, BECAUSE HIS HAND IS ASSOCIATED WITH THE SEXYTIME-GODDESSES HATHOR AND NEBET-HETEPET. I BET YOUR HAND CAN’T DO THAT.

SUDDENLY, HE JIZZED EVERYWHERE. AND FROM THAT JISM SPROUTED FORTH SHU AND TEFNUT. AND ATUM WAS LIKE “WELL I’LL BE DAMNED.” SO HE ASSIGNED THEM DUTIES TO MAKE MORE STUFF AND KEPT RANDOMLY MAKING GODS AND OTHER THINGS WITH DIFFERENT KINDS OF BODILY DISCHARGE, BECAUSE APPARENTLY THAT SHIT WAS BOTH INCREDIBLY AMUSING AND EASY FOR HIM TO DO. AND HE KEPT DOING IT UNTIL HE AND THE OTHER GODS HE MADE FILLED UP A LARGE SECTION OF THE NOTHINGNESS WITH CREATION.

AND THAT IS THE STORY OF THE FIRST ORGASM, AND HOW AWESOME ATUM IS FOR CREATING THE ORGASM BEFORE ANYTHING ELSE. REMEMBER TO LOVE YOURSELF, AND THINK OF ATUM NEXT TIME YOU TICKLE THE LITTLE PINK BOATMAN OR LYNCH THE SWAN OR SHOVE THINGS UP YOUR BUTT FOR PLEASURE.

— Sarduríur Freydís Sverresdatter

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